dear pompous-ass professor:

The enormity of your ego is eclipsed only slightly by the amount of audacity you have to continually email 7-years-gone alumni about your blog posts. It's almost sad to me that you, a published author, pander to us with your look-at-me emails every time you have a drunken thought about birds. Fucking birds. Here's a post worth sharing with everyone: we don't fucking care. We don't give a shit about your birds and your beer and your close encounters with b-list celebrities.

And you know what? Here's something else for you to consider in your mighty Nor'eastern brain - the one that's so far superior to my Southern drawl. DO NOT send me a friend request on Facebook directly following your blog post about shameless self-promotion that you - you guessed it - e-mailed out to the entire listserv.

I mean, really. You're a grown man. So do us all a favor and stop telling us every time you open a Yuengling and shit out some sort of craptastic half-witted essay about preserving bird habitats. Put that fucking feather in your cap.

You did write the book on this.